welcome to the internet

Welcome to the Internet

No one here likes you.

We're
going to offend, insult, abuse, and belittle the living hell out of
you. And when you rail against us with "FUCK YOU YOU GEEK WIMP SKATER
GOTH LOSER PUNK FAG BITCH!1!!", we smile to ourselves. We laugh at you
because you don't get it. Then we turn up the heat, hoping to draw more
entertainment from your irrational fuming.

We will judge you,
and we will find you unworthy. It is a trial by fire, and we won't even
think about turning down the flames until you finally understand.

Some
of you are smart enough to realize that, when you go online, it's like
entering a foreign country ... and you know better than to ignorantly
fuck with the locals. You take the time to listen and think before
speaking. You learn, and by learning are gladly welcomed.

For some of you, it takes a while, then one day it all dawns on you - you get it, and are welcomed into the fold.

Some
of you give up, and we breathe a sigh of relief - we didn't want you
here anyway. And some of you just never get it. The offensively
clueless have a special place in our hearts - as objects of ridicule.
We don't like you, but we do love you.

You will get mad. You
will tell us to go to hell, and call us "nerds" and "geeks". Don't
bother ... we already know exactly what we are. And, much like the way
hardcore rap has co-opted the word "nigger", turning an insult around
on itself to become a semiserious badge of honor, so have we done.

"How
dare you! I used to beat the crap out of punks like you in high
school/college!" You may have owned the playing field because you were
an athlete. You may have owned the student council because you were
more popular. You may have owned the hallways and sidewalks because you
were big and intimidating. Well, welcome to our world.

Things
like athleticism, popularity, and physical prowess mean nothing here.
We place no value on them ... or what car you drive, the size of your
bank account, what you do for a living or where you went to school.

Allow
us to introduce you to the concept of a "meritocracy" - the closest
thing to a form of self-government we have. In The United Meritocratic
nation-states of the Internet, those who can do, rule. Those who wish
to rule, learn. Everyone else watches from the stands.

You may
possess everything in the off-line world. We don't care. You come to
the Internet penniless, lacking the only thing of real value here:
knowledge.

"Who cares? The Internet isn't real anyway!" This
attitude is universally unacceptable. The Internet is real. Real people
live behind those handles and screen names. Real machines allow it to
exist. It's real enough to change government policy, real enough to
feed the world's hungry, and even, for some of us, real enough to earn
us a paycheck. Using your own definition, how "real" is your job? Your
stock portfolio? Your political party? What is the meaning of "real",
anyway?

Do I sound arrogant? Sure ... to you. Because you probably don't get it yet.

If you insist on staying, then, at the very least, follow this advice:


1. No one, ESPECIALLY YOU, will make any law regarding an
establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or
abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the
people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a
redress of grievances.
2. Use your brain before ever putting fingers to keys.

3. Do you want a picture of you getting anally raped by Bill Clinton
while you're performing oral sex on a cow saved to hundreds of
thousands of people's hard drives? No? Then don't put your fucking
picture on the Internet. We can, will, and probably already HAVE
altered it in awful ways. Expect it to show up on an equally offensive
website.
4. Realize that you are never, EVER going to get that,
or any other, offensive web page taken down. Those of us who run those
sites LIVE to piss off people like you. Those of us who don't run those
sites sometimes visit them just to read the hatemail from fools like
you.
5. Oh, you say you're going to a lawyer? Be prepared for us
to giggle with girlish delight, and for your lawyer to laugh in your
face after he explains current copyright and parody law.
6. The Web is not the Internet. Stop referring to it that way.
7. We have already received the e-mail you are about to forward to us. Shut up.
8. Don't reply to spam. You are not going to be "unsubscribed".

9. Don't ever use the term "cyberspace" (only William Gibson gets to
say that, and even he hasn't really used it for two or three books
now). Likewise, you prove yourself a marketing-hype victim if you ever
use the term "surfing".
10. With one or two notable exceptions, chat rooms will not get you laid.
11. It's a hoax, not a virus warning.

12. The internet is made up of thousands of computers, all connected
but owned by different people. Learn how to use *your* computer before
attempting to connect it to someone else's.
13. The first person
who offers to help you is really just trying to fuck with you for
entertainment. So is the second. And the third. And me.
14. Never
insult someone who's been active in any group longer than you have. You
may as well paint a damn target on your back.
15. Never get
comfortable and arrogant behind your supposed mask of anonymity. Don't
be surprised when your name, address, and home phone number get thrown
back in your smug face. Hell, some of us will snail-mail you a printed
satellite photograph of your house to drive the point home. Realize
that you are powerless if this happens ... it's all public information,
and information is our stock and trade.
16. No one thinks you are as cool as you think you are.
17. You aren't going to win any argument that you start.

18. If you're on AOL, don't worry about anything I've said here. You're
already a fucking laughing stock, and there's no hope for you.
19. If you can't take a joke, immediately sell your computer to someone who can. RIGHT NOW.

Pissed off? It's the TRUTH, not these words, that hurts your feelings. Don't ever even pretend like I've gone and hurt them.

We don't like you. We don't want you here. We never will. Save us all the trouble and go away.

-- written by Robert "redpaw" Jung, Webmaster, managing editor, chief techmonkey of Deeplight.