how many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?



Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a
timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the follow-
ing agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer",
and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb",
do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party
of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current
position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon
duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumina-
tion of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the
entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living
area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover
illumination being at the option of the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement be-
tween the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following steps:

1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or
any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-
negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second
part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first
part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the
first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the
party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the afore-
mentioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to
perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The
foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that
structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and
in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held
blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement
is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil
(counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part
(Lawyer) throughout.

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part
("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have
the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light
Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local
and federal statutes.

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party
of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning
installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb").
This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the
reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-
same document, being careful to note that the rotation should
occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-
negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option
of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the
first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all
persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to
produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of
the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with
maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth
part, also known as "The Firm".